Thank You Isn't Enough

I remember that night, years ago. It wasn't quite winter yet but the days were very short and I was feeling it. I had already abandoned my passion of horseback riding; I just couldn't get myself out of bed when I should have been tending to my horse. I was almost nocturnal, couldn't sleep during the night and since I didn't have the energy to do anything- even go to school- during the day, I slept then. I was grounded because I had been skipping school to wallow in my misery, so the brief reprieveI was given when visiting with friends was taken away. I wasn't even supposed to be online. My parents had taken away the mouse thinking I wouldn't be able to use the computer when they weren't around, but that didn't stop me. I had a drawing tablet, and I used that instead, even though I could have managed with the keyboard alone.

I was relieved there was someone awake, someone I could talk to at that hour. You were able to burn the candle at both ends, as luck would have it. I sat there, a long time, talking to you over AIM. I told you how I was doing, how nothing was getting better.

My attempts to turn off all emotion to stop the swings had worked. I no longer went from high to low multiple times in a matter of minutes. But I felt nothing almost all the time. The absence, the void there... I think I had a taste of what Hell might hold. I couldn't tell if I was alive, it had gotten to the point where I couldn't actually feel even depression. I would lie on my floor with music playing, not a thought in my head, not a feeling in my heart. Supposedly that is the state of enlightenment so many try to achieve. I don't know what great thing they think it must be, but they are wrong. I needed to feel, I need to know I was alive, I needed to know I was real, that anything was real. Then some lyrics from a Goo Goo Dolls song: "When everything feels like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive." And that was it. What's funny is the next line of the song had already been taking place.

So I cut, and watched the blood run down. God, it was such a comfort. I could feel pain, I knew I was alive.

But that wasn't enough of a comfort for a long enough period of time. And when I had to be out of my room I couldn't kill the emotions that so controlled my life. I don't know how much of this I had told you, how much you might have known at the time, but you knew other things, somehow.

Talking to you about all of the things in my life, I read them after typing them. I realized how much of a burden I must have been to everyone. I was a drain on everyone's emotional state, and I didn't give anything in return for what I took. I couldn't. Enough was enough. I wouldn't remain this way, I wouldn't continue to hurt those around me, I would step aside and get out of the way.

I rose from the chair and told you my plan. There was no reply, so I went into the kitchen. I stood there for a moment, looking for the right one. I finally settled on the sharpest knife- that would hurt the least. I held it to my throat and started saying my goodbyes... then I heard the beep of the instant messenger. You hadn't responded before and I wondered who cared enough to talk to me then. I put the knife down and went to see.

"Please, just hold on one more day"

I thought I would humor you, and even told you "okay, but nothing will change".

The next day I was taken to a mental hospital, and it was on my 14th birthday.

I'll never be able to thank you enough, for stopping me that night, for caring for someone who thought they were beyond worthless and had no hope. You turned out to be the hope I never knew was there. I'd give my life for you in an instant, I'll always be there for you, and I'll always love you. There is a debt I can never repay, yet you never expected anything in return. You are one of the reasons I think there is a God that is there, watching over us.

Thank You, Forever